Algarve Driving Tips-Part 1

I am often asked by people who have recently arrived in the Algarve, or are due to move here, how they can best fit in. Obviously, newcomers need to integrate, learn Portuguese, understand the culture and, for the ultimate test, learn the ancient art of Algarve driving.
This first lesson will involve the auto estrada or motorway.
The first rule regards joining the motorway, and you will notice that when you are on the slip road you have to give way to those already on the motorway. Now, if you are joining the motorway, just follow the instructions (i.e. give way). If you are already on the motorway and someone wishes to join the motorway, it is essential you do the following:

• Under NO circumstances may you accommodate someone who wants to join the motorway. They have to give way to you, the sign says so and anyway you are superior because you are already on the road.
• To elaborate, imagine you are the only person on the motorway, and someone else wants to join the party. Whilst you could move lanes, speed up or slow down, all actions that could assist them with no hindrance to you, and no danger to you, you MUST NOT do this.

Once you have found a free space and you are on the motorway, there are new considerations.

• When on the motorway, you should treat your accelerator as if it was a switch that can only be on or off. Join the motorway, floor it. Do not remove foot from accelerator until one of the following situations occur:

1. You want to leave the motorway. In this instance resist the urge to turn the switch (accelerator) off until the last possible moment. You MUST disregard the safety of others and yourself when choosing the last possible moment.
   
2. You crash in to another vehicle/object. If this does occur, leave the car, start smoking, find somewhere to get a coffee and generally relax as your mission has been accomplished.
3. You arrive behind someone who is travelling slower than you (for detailed instructions see below)
4. You feel a need to use the brakes, for some unknown reason. Only tourists use the brakes whilst on a motorway.
5. Please note there is absolutely no reason to slow down if you see a police vehicle on the motorway, unless it is the unmarked car that chases people speeding. The police will not bother with you unless it is their designated day to catch people speeding (and it never is). And by the way most of them drive diesel Toyota Corolla's so they will never catch you anyway.

• If you arrive behind someone who will not get out of your way, then you must do the following.
  

1. Enter their slip stream, making sure that a cigarette paper is the only thing that could come between your front bumper and their rear bumper.
2. Flash your main beam at them, repeatedly.
3. Ignore the fact that they are overtaking, and might move out of your way once they complete their manoeuvre.
   
4. Get mad. Start shaking your fist/mobile phone/cigarettes etc at them. The longer you are behind them, the madder you get.
5. If they still won't move out of the way, put the fear of God up them by lighting a cigarette whilst calling a pal on your mobile phone whilst maintaining fag paper distance.
6. If all else fails, undertake them. The hard shoulder is ideal for this purpose. Ignore the idiot in front whilst doing so, staring straight ahead and making no eye contact.
   

It should also be noted that it is excellent form to carry out the above, followed by a dangerous overtaking manoeuvre just before you leave the motorway. Clearly you have gained no time, but you feel better.

An important motorway rule. The terminal velocity of your vehicle is inversely propertional to its size, age, engine capacity and safety. This theory is proven by the fact that the world land speed record is held by a white diesel powered commercial hatchback (only 2 seats), with a Portuguese registration, being driven with all windows open, large dark glasses and amidst a cloud of cigarette smoke. I know Google attributes it to something else but they can't get everything right or we would all go to Church on Sunday and pray to the great god Google.

In summary, drive like a fool with no regard for anyones safety, ignore all other road users and proceed as if your life depends upon it. Welcome to the Algarve!
P.S. The best month to watch this sport is traditionally August, when the roads are busier, and there are more opportunities for chaos.